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не по-русски, но смешно (Просмотров 12,042)
Вывесил(a) Robot 12 Авг 2005 10:08
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
"k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.


"Это сообщение просто зажигает!" → KAPABAH, Robot

Вывесил(a) KAPABAH 15 Авг 2005 01:06
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Дева

Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass
destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll
find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to
use in
a
war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war
with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those
weapons,
so
they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had
all
those
big weapons with which they could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those
weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam
Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his
country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic
competitor,
where
millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S.
corporations
richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate
gain,
it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
People
who
criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while
China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba
are
sent to
prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other
hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some
laws
that
made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba
until
they
stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
started
doing
business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam
Hussein
came
to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate
leader
anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a
country
by
force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan
is
our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an
illegitimate
leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he
helped
us
invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi
Arabians -
hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings in New
York
and
Washington, killing 3,000 innocent people.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive
rule
of the
Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
people's
heads
and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off
people's
heads
and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars
back
in
May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job
fighting
drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing
opium
poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban
would
have
their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing
flowers,
that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for
other
reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off
people's
hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's
hands
for
stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy
that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were
in
public,
with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest
yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for
her eyes
and
fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal
oppression
that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis
are
our
friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th
were
from
Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very
bad
man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet
invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan
talked
about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or
thereabouts,
and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them
Russians
now.

Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years
after
they
stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our
invasion
of
Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the
Germans
because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French
fries and
French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what
we
want
them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him
our
friend,
temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked
the
other
way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically
becomes
our
friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically
an
enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can
profit by
selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for
America.
Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a
godless unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells
him
what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because
George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your
eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.
Английский за три урока
Вывесил(a) Alex 1 Ноя 2005 11:16
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Дракон

Первый урок, английский для начинающих:
"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает какие часы?"
Теперь по английски:
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:
"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"
Теперь по английски:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов:
"Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающихизменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?" Теперь по английски:
Three swiss witch-bitсhes, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitсhes, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitсh, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitсh, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
не по-русски, но смешно
Вывесил(a) Alex 23 Марта 2006 17:56
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Дракон

Domain names and women:
All good ones are taken, but there are still some nice ones availabe in strange countries.

Вывесил(a) Andrey 10 Мая 2006 09:08
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AT

Всю свою сознательную жизнь собираю переводческие ляпы.
Из последнего пополнения коллекции. Учительница русского языка моего сына принесла нам, зная мое хобби, меню австрийского ресторана, напечатанное на отличной бумаге, да еще и по-русски (!)
Короче, не хухры-мухры... [yes]
Читаю это богатое меню: ... картофель с кусочками жареного .... кала.....
(Сала, наверное - Speckkartoffeln).

Приятного всем аппетита! [dance]


"Только трафик засоряешь." → Robot

Вывесил(a) Andrey 16 Мая 2006 08:50
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AT

Вот такое вот объявление на багамском пляже (чесслово!)

"PLEASE

Do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground!
The fish crawl out at night to smoke them, and we are trying to get them to quit".

[lol]


"Аффтар жжёт!" → KAPABAH, Robot

Вывесил(a) Robot 19 Авг 2006 22:18
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Вывесил(a) Robot 6 Сент 2006 09:02
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Перевод:

У ДИРЕКТОРА

Мальчика-первоклассника привели в кабинет директора школы, объяснили условия, и он согласился пройти тест.
Директор: "Сколько будет 3 х 3?"
Мальчик: "9".
Директор: " Сколько будет 6 х 6?"
Мальчик: "36".
И так было с каждым вопросом, на который, по мнению директора, третьеклассник должен знать ответ. Тогда директор повернулся к мисс Нилам и сказал:
"Думаю, мальчик может пойти в третий класс". Тогда Мисс Нилам ответила директору, "У меня есть свои вопросы. Могу я задать их?" Мальчик с директором кивнули.
Она начала. "Что есть у коровы в количестве 4, а у меня только 2?"
Мальчик: после паузы "Ноги."
Мисс Нилам: "А что есть такого в твоих брюках, чего нет в моих?"
Мальчик: "Карманы"
Мисс Нилам: Он начинается с К заканчивается на С, волосатое, продолговатое, вкусное с беловатой жидкостью внутри?
Мальчик: Кокос.
Мисс Нилам: Что твердое и розовое - когда входит, и мягкое и липкое - когда выходит?
Директор остолбенел с раскрытыми глазами, и не успел опередить ответ.
Мальчик: Жвачка.
Мисс Нилам: Что делает мужчина - стоя, женщина - сидя, а пес - на трех лапах?
Теперь глаза директора на самом деле выпучились широко, но прежде чем он успел что то сказать...
Мальчик: Подает руку.
Мисс Нилам: Теперь я буду задавать вопросы из разряда "Кто я, хорошо?
Мальчик: Ага.
Мисс Нилам: Ты вставляешь в меня свой кол. Связываешь, чтобы поднять.
И я становлюсь мокрой раньше тебя.
Мальчик: Палатка.
Мисс Нилам: В меня входит палец. Ты трешь и теребишь меня, когда тебе скучно. Лучший мужчина получает меня первым.
Директор очень обеспокоен, напряжен и вынужден принять большую порцию водки.
Мальчик: Обручальное кольцо.
Мисс Нилам: Я бываю разных размеров. Когда мне не хорошо, я капаю.
Когда ты вдуваешь из меня, мне хорошо.
Мальчик: Нос.
Мисс Нилам: У меня тугой стержень. Мой конец вонзается. В движении я дрожу.
Мальчик: Стрела.
Мисс Нилам: Какое слово начинается с 'F' и заканчивается на 'К' и означает много жара и волнений?
Мальчик: Firеtruсk (Пожарная машина)
Мисс Нилам: Какое слово начинается с 'F' и заканчивается на 'К' и если этого нет, тебе приходится работать руками?
Мальчик: Fоrk (Вилка)
Мисс Нилам: Это есть у всех мужчин, у кого-то это длиннее чем у других.
Папа не пользуется своим совсем. Мужчина дает это своей жене, после свадьбы?
Мальчик: Фамилия.
Мисс Нилам: У какого мужского органа нет костей, есть мышцы и много вен. Он пульсирует и отвечает за занятия любовью?
Мальчик: Сердце.
Директор с облегчением выдохнул и сказал учительнице:
"Отправьте его в Университет Кембриджа! На последние 10 вопросов я сам ответил неправильно!"


"Молодец." → Roma, XOMA, KAPABAH

Вывесил(a) Robot 19 Янв 2007 12:10
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WANTED: A tall well-build woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please read only lines 1, 3 and 5.

Вывесил(a) Robot 2 Марта 2007 15:25
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Der Unterschied zwischen Mut, Coolness und Vollcool:

Mut:
Mitten in der Nacht besoffen heim kommen.
Deine Frau steht da und wartet mit einem Besen in der Hand auf Dich und Du
fragst: "Machst Du immer noch sauber oder fliegst Du noch mal weg?"

Coolness:
Mitten in der Nacht besoffen heim kommen.
Deine Frau liegt im Bett, Du siehst aber, Sie ist noch wach. Du nimmst
einen Stuhl und setzt Dich vor Ihr Bett. Auf die Frage: "Was machst Du da?"
antwortest Du: "Wenn das Theater gleich losgeht, will ich in der ersten
Reihe sitzen!!"

Vollcool:
Mitten in der Nacht besoffen heim kommen.
Du duftest nach Parfum und hast Lippenstift am Hemd. Du haust Deiner Frau
eine auf den Arsch und sagst: "Und Du bist die Nächste...!"
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